4 year olds ask a lot of questions

The moment when your 4 year old asks “mom, why did God make my sister this way?”

A week ago, as the girls sat on the couch, Austyn Jayne was trying to explain something to Colbey Raye, I do not know what they were talking about but after their conversation ended Austyn Jayne looked up at me and asked “mom, why did God make my sister this way?” It was a serious question, and deserved a legitimate answer! But I paused and I looked at both my girls as a flood of dreams and emotions swirled through my head. I may have asked myself this question A few time through the recent years but what was the answer I was to give my 4 year old? A complex question, a simple answer. “No one person is the same Austyn Jayne. God made Colbey Raye in her own special way. She is perfect in her own way, the way God made her to be.” And Austyn Jaynes response was as sweet as candy. “And God made me special too, with a whole brain, and Colbey Raye with only half her brain. But we love her!” Innocence. I have ask that “Why?” Question before, and other people have asked me “why” questions that deserved simpler answers such as, “why doesn’t she walk (past question) or “why doesn’t she use her arm” and those were always easy answers! But why was she made this way?! I do not know. God has a plan and it is way bigger than mine! Colbey Raye was made the same as us all, with minor imperfections, differences here and there, a blemish or two, but she has something many others are missing. A truely gigantic heart! She might be missing a little brain tissue but her heart is bigger than anyone else’s I know. She doesn’t cast judements, she loves everyone she come in contact with, instantly!

Today marks two years since Colbey Rayes hemispherectomy! She is one tough and amazing girl! Two years post op and she can walk! She can talk and she can even count to 1O! All on her own (but she always skips the number 8 😋). She runs, jumps (only with one leg lol) and is frustratingly independent!!

 I will never forget the moment,  before we even knew the cause of Colbey Rayes seizures, as I sat on the hospital bed and realized my world was about to change forever. I cried, and I held that baby so tight, and I remember feeling a tremendous loss. I loved that 6 week old baby and I had plans for that baby! I lost the little girl I had created in my imagination, but I gained a little girl I could never have dreamt of! And even when days are hard, and emotions run high I no longer ask the “why” question, because I do not need an answer. I wouldn’t change her, I wouldn’t trade her and I could never give up that singe squinted eye half smile she flaunts daily!! God made her perfect, in an imperfect way.

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