I feel comfort in words. In my own words and the uplifting words from others. When I hit a low point I have to have an outlet and when I write I feel a level of relief. This blog began as a continual way for me to update all those on the current happenings involving Colbey Raye. Hospitals stays, seizures, surgeries etc. a documentation of her journey, a journey that is still new, fresh and ever changing! But just as much as this blog is about Colbey, it is about my family, my husband and myself, and how her journey is just as much ours. The effects it has on her as well as on us. She is a constant in our lives as we are in hers.
The past few months have been a struggle, the emotions are everywhere and daily challenges are always present. I have to give her a grand amount of praise! She is walking! Non stop, all over, every where we go she is walking. She does not want to be held when we are out and about and she’s determined to walk as much as any other child does. This comes with its challenges, and the enormous fits that fallow when I place her in the shopping cart are overwhelming, but I wouldn’t trade them, because she walks and she deserves that freedom! Her new found independence is a great tool for her, and has helped improve other areas such as speech, understanding and awareness of her own body. She runs into less walls now, can (most of the time) catch herself from falling and or will sit down before the impending fall occurs. It is truly amazing to watch these improvements!
But along with all these wonderful new things, have come some hard and challenging ones. I think these negative events have taken the biggest toll on me. When the emotional meltdowns occur I’m heartbroken to see her in those moments. The hitting and screaming, uncontrollable crying, anger, range and I cannot help or fix it for her. I’m at a loss and feel helpless. Once her flip is switched I struggle to turn the events of the day around. “This cannot last for ever” I keep reminding myself. Her siblings take a hit, literally, and I struggle to find the equality needed to bring peace to them as well as to her. It’s constant, daily and I’m beginning to feel a little week and run down from this extra trying time.
Everyone is amazed with the wonderful progress she is making, and those who rarely/less often cross her path are completely blown away by her wonderful new ability to walk and I am too!! They always say “wow! She’s doing so wonderful.” And although I agree, my response is hesitant, yes she’s doing amazing and I’m so happy!! But only those closest to her have seen these new trying times in true form. My self, the family and her therapists witness the daily challenges. But Colbey Raye is driven by new faces and social gathering, and I’m beyond thankful that a trip to the grocery store is calming for her. Otherwise we would never leave the house… Sometimes I think to myself I shouldn’t post this because it’s some what negative. But it’s the reality we live in with Colbey Raye, and a huge part of her journey at this point in time. The struggles are real, they are constant, and the weight is heavy. Struggling to find the right way to discipline, how to correct the behavior and how to stand strong in a moment when I feel so week. She’s my greatest blessing, and my biggest challenge.
I thank God every day for giving me this little girl. I love her so much, more than any other mommy ever could, and I know hard times come and hard times go. I wouldn’t trade her, I wouldn’t change the person she has helped me become. And I pray I can be the best mommy to her because only I can do this job, and I’m determined to do it well.