Blank… I am feeling so many different emotions right now, my mind is racing with memories, swirling with thoughts, yet I feel blank, surreal and a little numb.
Wednesday we were sitting in neurology discussing how far Colbey Raye has come! How great she lookes, how she is more verbal than ever and how she has done so well weaning off one of her meds! Yes, Colbey Raye has made a huge step and has come off of her zonisomide all together and is now only on 3 anti seizure meds! Since Wednesday I’ve been meaning to get on here, post a blog bragging about how far Colbey Raye has come since my last post (it has been way to long I apologize) and tell you all about the medication weaning process, how we plan to continue weaning more Meds and what her therapists have been working on (we have some amazing new therapy routines that have help produce massive improvements). Let me just say it is a lot of great things and an abundant of information. But now, after today, in this moment, I cannot even bring myself to go there. I cannot search my brain for those wonderful glorious statements of aww and praise, of hopes and dreams and goals. My thoughts have shifted and a new battle burns inside.
I am in an all to familiar place, my mind is in hyperdrive and I know these feelings all to well. Like second nature, instincts kick in and I’m back to a state of mind I had hung up in the closet. Today I reached in, grabbed this old suit out and slipped into it, almost like I never truly left it. So why can I not bring myself to say what it is I want to say? I haven’t cried yet. I haven’t broke down, but I cannot seem to close my eyes or let my shoulders relax, a 5 minute flash back is in my head on repeat. In the moment I didn’t think, I acted, I didn’t hesitate I knew what to do! I was ready for this moment even though I didn’t expect it at all. But I am not ready at the same time. I cannot go into detail, I cannot let it out, I will hold it in as a memory until I am willing to accept it as a fact.
The dust has come off of the album and I have a new photograph to add. A day that won’t be easily forgotten, a day I prayed would never come. 10/03/15 the day Colbey Raye had her first post hemi seizure.