She will always be my baby

There is just something about this boy, I can’t get enough of him! Can I please just freeze him in the little chunky body, put him in a bubble, snuggle, kiss, and hold him close from this day forward! He’s already grown and changed so much, I blink and he’s outgrown his clothes! I turn around and he’s talking up a storm, licking his lips when we eat, smiling when his sisters talk to him! I love his smart little self so so much, why do babies grow up SO fast?

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I had to share just how much I adore my little boy now, because I honestly did not feel ready for him. I was not scared or worried about having my third, I was just not ready, I never felt ready. I was not ready because I felt like I STILL had a baby and I was not attached to the thought of having another baby when the baby I already had was still in fact so much a baby! I’ve heard so many people say “I just wish I could freeze time and keep him/her a baby forever!” I’ve even said it! First I said it with Austyn Jayne, I loved her little self and I didn’t want her to keep growing so fast, and again I say it almost daily with Beauden. I don’t want him to grow this fast! But that’s what babies do right? They grow, change, mature, and soon they are walking, talking, crazy 1 year olds, 2 year olds, 3 year olds etc… But what happens when your baby stays a baby longer than the typical? Colbey Raye will be 2 in just two short months! And she’s still my baby. Yes, yes Beaude is my baby! My sweet baby boy, but tomorrow he won’t be, I will blink and before we know it he will be talking, walking and running around like a crazy rough and tough big boy! But Colbey Raye, she’s that special one of a kind little baby that we are always talking about, the one that stays little longer. We say “I just want him to stay little” but when one is faced with that reality what does that feel like? Let me explain form my experience.
Austyn Jayne was born, she grew and turned into a little girl before I could even take a breath! I loved each moment, but gosh where did it go? Josh and I both missed that “baby” phase of life and so along came Colbey Raye! Another girl, I was so excited and had already dreamed up what life would look like 2-3 years down the road. But all that changed when Colbey Raye was diagnosed. The seizures put a damper on my plans and I had no idea what life would look like in a 2-3 years down the road. Instead of sitting there wishing to freeze Colbey Raye in the ball of baby love I watched eagerly to see what she could do, what she would do next! I held onto each milestone for dear life praying she’d master another one! I had my baby, and she stayed a baby for so long. She didn’t turn one and run off into the crazy world of toddler hood leaving me to dream of the days where I rocked my snugly sleepy baby all day. I still had my baby!! She was still a baby that smiled at the sound of my voice, that clung to me for safety and snuggled when she was tired. She still cooed and didn’t talk, and was barely crawling when she turned one. She was my baby and I never ever felt that sad longing feeling to hold a baby because I got to keep mine a baby for so long! I never wished for time to freeze with Colbey Raye, I savored each moment of her infancy and was able to hold onto my baby. I didn’t wish it to slow down, to pause and I didn’t wish it away! In a way I feel so blessed by that experience. I will never have the same type of motherly bond that I have had with Colbey Raye. Most babies grow so fast that the bonding time just doesn’t feel long enough and they are all of the sudden arguing with you over what they should have for lunch! How did they grow up so fast?!

Colbey Raye is the baby we all “wish” for, but in reality we are all so thankful when our infants become toddlers and our toddlers become kindergarteners. Not everyone is lucky enough to keep their babies little longer! I was, I got to keep my baby little, innocent and sweet. I have a confession, I was not ready to let her go! I didn’t want to let her get big, I wanted my Colbey Raye baby to be my baby and I did not want her to share her baby title with another! I almost felt gypped when I found out I was expecting Beau. I wasn’t ready!! My baby was still a baby and she deserved to stay that way, so I felt. I never longed for another baby after Colbey Raye, I never felt like my baby was grown and I needed a baby fix, I never felt ready, and I didn’t want to bump my baby out of her well deserved baby slot in my heart. I saw other women with infants and I never thought “how sweet” instead my stomach sunk at the thought of having another one. All in all, I did not feel ready. It was not until about 24-48 hours after Beauden was born that I fell in love! But I did fall INLOVE and I fell hard when it hit! Now this boy has me wrapped around his little finger and I just adore him! He’s growing to fast and I want to keep him small forever! But in reality, I love that he is smart, that he is growing, learning and changing right before my eyes! And even though he’s the “baby” of the family, Colbey Raye never lost her title as baby, and she was not replaced by her brother. Colbey Raye will always be my baby, no matter how big, or how old, she’s something special and my baby she will be.

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