I have to admit, I am struggling. I have this fight going on inside me and I just don’t know how to change the inner wrecking ball that can bring me to tears at the drop of a simple word, phrase or sight of a picture, whatever it may be. My toddler, still a baby in my eyes and she probably always will be to me! Because she’s just my sweet little baby Raye! But I see more and more that others view her as a baby as well, because she is, but she is also not. Her peers viewing her as such a little baby stands out to me the most. We, my three little ones and I, spend most of our time home together and at therapy and doctors appointments so our daily routines and activities are normal to us! Colbey Rayes butt scooting, baby babbles and gestures are the normal for us! She is learning new words, understanding us more and trying to get into the mix as best she can. I can see the gradual change, I notice all the new little improvements, but as time goes on, others continue to pass her by. Seeing her with others around her age, seeing other toddlers do what Colbey Raye is not able to do as a result of her seizures and surgery is a reality we live in but it is hard at times. As others, especially those younger than Colbey, pass her by I cannot help but feel frustrated inside for her. As they start to walk, talk, playing together, my heart breaks a little because she’s not doing it with them. It’s hard for me to see how mature and able these little ones are, Colbey Raye should be right there with them! Running, fighting over toys, sitting on the couch watching a movie with her sister, but instead she try’s so hard to scoot on her butt to find where the action is, toys get taken from her and although she lets out a little grunt she can’t retrieve it, she will fall right off the couch and not learn from the consequence. Colbey Raye has come so far!! She has conquered so much and is such a strong hard fighter. She amazes me everyday with her determination and her ability to master new creative ways of doing things that come so easy to others. She is so tough, so smart and so trusting, I hope this never changes in her. I still cannot help but hurt, as her mother I want the world for her, I want to give her two working arms, walking legs, eyes that see, a brain that is free! But I can’t. The struggle is real, we live it everyday. Ours be different than others, mine even different from Colbey Raye’s, but it is real. This year I did not make any New Years resolutions, just a prayer. A prayer for my strength to continue, for my trust to strengthen and the ability to truly accepts, willingly and gratefully what is being asked of me. And for Colbey Raye to keep this amazing attitude of determination, to always be the lover of life that she is, to always keep that sweet happy smile on her face and know that no mater the height of the mountain she is strong enough to over come whatever challenges are thrown her way.
A verse for 2015, Mathew 17:20, we will have faith and He will help us move these mountains! We are ready for what 2015 will bring our way.
“Be your name Buxbaum or Brixby or Bray or Mordecai Ally Van Allen Colbey Raye. You’re off to great places. Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting so get on your way!”
Here we go.